For many of us, working towards empowering relationships requires us to unlearn all our habitual ways of being in relationship with others. When we are young we create a blueprint of who we are, who other people are, what the world is like, and how we can expect to be treated. We create this blueprint from our experience of how other people treat us and what they tell us about ourselves. Based on these definitions and expectations of ourself and others, we develop strategies to gain love and to stay safe. This blueprint is coming from a place of survival and wounding. We take if for granted, and unfortunately apply it to our adult relationships, increasing the likelihood of creating co-dependent and abusive relationships.
I created the Fundamentals of Relationships for myself, and use it extensively with my clients. It helps me stay aware of when I am using outdated strategies for being in relationships, that keep me in my woundings and survival. I hope you will find them useful for improving your own relationships going forward.
Accountability
In relationships (and life) we need to take accountability for ourselves and our ‘stuff’. This requires getting clear about what is our responsibility and what belongs to others. Our thoughts, feelings, triggers and behaviours are our responsibility. Getting our needs met and how we allow others to treat us, is our responsibility (through creating and maintaining clear boundaries).
The most important part of this is owning our woundings and understanding how they affect how we experience everything. It is very easy to become triggered and blame another person for how we are reacting – “look what you made me do”. Through Counselling and Innerwork you gain greater self-awareness. This gives us the best chance of having an open and honest assessment with ourself and the impact of our woundings.
When someone shares an expectation, need or grievance with you; pause and reflect whether it’s true and whether it’s something that you are responsible for. Acknowledge what you are responsible for and make the necessary repair. Hand everything else back.
Be careful to acknowledge the other person’s pain and suffering, as well as your natural tendency to want to be completely innocent. Unintended harm is still harm. There is a fine line between the other listening with their wounding and misunderstanding, and you being unclear or hurtful. Some “harm” is inevitable in terms of difficult conversations and speaking the truth.
This doesn’t mean that others can get a free pass for treating you badly. From a position of accountability you see more clearly and can take appropriate steps when your boundaries are crossed.
Containment
It is helpful to pay attention to the power dynamic and patterns playing out in relationships. Ideally two equal individuals come together willingly. For this to happen, you need to stay centred or contained in yourself. In practice this looks like, taking responsibility for your own stuff and allowing others to take care of theirs’. There is a tendency in relationships to leak into each other’s space. Some examples of this are:
- Judging, controlling and interfering
- Swooping in to rescue
- Taking the blame when not true
- Acting like a victim
- Being entitled
In these examples you can see that either the other person’s space is being invaded by you, or they are being pulled into your space.
You will know you are falling into this trap if you are working harder than the other person on their life, waiting for someone to rescue you, feeling fearful and controlled, or feeling angry that you aren’t getting what you deserve.
You can support and guide people but shouldn’t be taking the active role. We shouldn’t do for others what they are able to do for themselves. They are powerful, allow them to be.
Helping can be assault when not asked for as you are making judgements on what’s right and how it should be and their capacity. It also creates the possibility of control, manipulation and use of force if they resist what’s “good” for them.
This behaviour is likely to lead to resentment on both sides. No-one is being heard and no- one’s needs are being met. If the help is wanted and the person is acting like a passive victim or entitled; you will feel taken advantage of.
It’s important to notice that working hard on another’s life is a strategy the feel important, loved and valued. It allows you to feel more powerful and avoid your own stuff. You get to pretend you have your stuff sorted. It’s a way of hiding from yourself and others.
Equally, waiting to be rescued or being entitle avoids accountability. You are wanting someone else to do the hard stuff for you.
Mutually Beneficial
If you feel as though your relationships are all about the other person, be curious about why you find yourself in this relationship. How does it serve you? How does this relationship mirror your fears and triggers? Notice how you might be holding yourself distant. Ask yourself whether you are giving equally in your relationships. Are you taking up all the space and not really considering the other. How much do you know about your partners needs and fears and what lights them up.
To benefit fully from your relationships you have to be ‘in’ them. Being ‘in’ a relationship refers to:
- Being open to the other
- Being vulnerable and not hiding yourself
- Bringing your needs and fears to the other person
- Having clear boundaries
All your relationships should be mutually beneficial. This is an invitation for you to bring yourself into your relationships and to notice the impact they have on you. Make your needs a priority and have clear boundaries. Allow yourself to take up space. Meet as equals.
Article posted 29 September 2025
Claire Welch
Claire Welch is a passionate Holistic Counsellor who supports individuals and couples in reconnecting with their inner wisdom and stepping into their power. She brings to her work a rich blend of academic rigour and lived experience. Drawing from a holistic, client-centred approach and utilising techniques such as Process Work and Polyvagal Theory, Claire meets clients with curiosity, acceptance, and presence. She regards her role not as the “expert” of someone’s life, but as a guide in awareness and healing — accompanying clients inward to discover, heal, and reclaim their wholeness. At her core, Claire is a wife and mother of three, and it is through her own journey of suffering and transformation that she developed the deep empathy and commitment she brings to her counselling work.
